Expectations can ruin just about anything

So, as my friends and family all know, I had a date last night and it went well. The only problem? My unreal expectations that I had built up all week that were not lived up to. I had this whole grand idea of exactly how the date would go and when it didn’t, I was slightly disappointed. Why, when faced with something slightly frightening or challenging or exciting do we map out what we think SHOULD happen and discard any other possibilities?

I also have a problem with over thinking. I’m doing it right now. I’m sitting in my chair going over every single detail from last night, trying to pick out any mistakes I made or things he did that I didn’t like or liked a lot… It’s insanity. But this is what I do! I do it for dates, after events for work, parties I go to or host, dinners with friends… everything! It’s a problem. Do you think they have a group for people like me? Maybe “Over Thinker’s Anonymous”?

“Hi, my name is Whitney and I’m an over thinker”

Well…. This is a first…

For the first time that I can remember, I actually feel lonely. It all started last night when I was talking to my friend Kaela and mentioned I was feeling a little off. Being the great friend she is, she asked me “How?”. We went though all the usual suspects: headache, sick, angry, stressed, tired (which this is true, but it didn’t feel like it), depressed and then she said something I hadn’t thought of yet. Lonely. As a rule, I’m not a lonely person. Sure, I’ve lived seperate and apart from the male population for almost 2 blissful years now and I have never felt that pang of longing for someone to be in my home with me for any length of time. But here it was. I miss having someone in my life.

Phew! Now that was a lot to realize in one short phone call. I am lonely for the first time in my 25 years. Wow. And now I’m trying to think of what I can do to alleviate this feeling. I’m already dating and meeting new people, so I’m putting myself out there. But then I got to thinking, why am I lonely? I have a great life with amazing friends, a supportive family, a beautiful daughter and a rewarding career. What am I missing?! Thankfully, when I did a mental pro/con list and I had no cons, the feeling subsided a little.

Conclusion? I have a fantastic life. What’s to feel down about? When I’m ready, I’ll meet someone worth it that will fill the once space in my life that’s still a little empty. But for right now, I’m happy. Very happy.

Parenting is not a “thing in common”

Dating as a single parent continues to surprise me. Today, I received an email from a guy on this online dating site that I have a profile on. He said “we have so much in common! We’re both parents!” I check out his profile and that is literally the only thing we have in common. We want different things. We don’t listen to the same kind of music. We have completely different views on sports, television, movies, politics and employment. If these differences weren’t enough, he couldn’t spell nor communicate in full sentences.

I don’t think that parenting should be listed as a “common interest”. Parenting doesn’t fall into the same category as scrapbooking or snowboading. Parenting is a for life and doesn’t change day by day. Just because two people have children, doesn’t mean they’re compatible.

The Dating Dillema

Maybe have discussed it but few have actually provided any kind of concrete answers. Single parents, such as myself, have an issue that no other married parent or single individual has to deal with: Dating with children.

I can’t speak for all single parents, but I can definitely speak for myself when I tell you I sometimes feel guilty when I date someone. Maybe I’m over thinking, or maybe there really IS a reason to feel some sort of guilt when spending time with someone new.

After dating a few different guys, I’ve come up with a few concerns. (Again, maybe this is just me but I doubt it).

1. Time Away from the kid(s)
   No matter how great of a parent you are, you will ALWAYS feel guilty leaving you child or children for any reason that doesn’t directly benefit them. Dating almost seems selfish…
2. When to introduce a new partner to the family
   When I first started dating my ex, there’s the whole trepidation of meeting the parents. Will dad like him? Will mom value the same qualities I do? Now I have to worry about my little one in the mix as well. Is it too early? Will they think that I’m trying to replace their father? Will this jeopardize this new relationship? What if my new partner isn’t as accepting as he led on about me having kids?
3. Trust
   This is a big one for me. It’s usually not an issue of me trusting the other person with me, it’s with trusting that person with my daughter. I have yet to introduce someone that I’m dating to my daughter. She knows most of my friends and some of them are male, but never a “boyfriend”.  There is also the question of how MUCH should I trust this new person with my kid. Every week I see a story about some person hurting a child for one reason or another. How long does it take to truly know someone enough to let them in?

No matter what the situation, dating with kid(s) is always going to be difficult. The only thing we can do is talk. Communicate your issues, questions and concerns with your partner and keep the dialog going. Not every guy is going to be comfortable dating a woman with a child or two, but some are. Some are thrilled with the prospect of helping to raise a child, regardless or parentage. Keep honest and realistic with your partner (or prospective partner). Relationships are about working together and with a third (or forth) party involved, communication becomes that much more important.

-W